Am i there yet?
That question has been hanging over my head like a stinky piece of roadkill. In the past year, there have been numerous big changes in my life. I got married, moved x3? times, been hired, been fired, left jobs, got lucky, got swindled, and been wronged and failed myself time and time again. With every victory and failure, I weighed myself against the things I saw my colleges and peers doing; thinking to myself; "is this enough?" am I "making it?".
Before I go further, I need to give myself some small credit. I DO have goals, I want to be a great designer, I want to become a great ballroom dancer, and I want to be a great wife and friend to those around me. I have spent almost as much time in the past 5 months reading, researching, and designing as I did in College. However, at every rejection and setback, my insecurity seemed to blaze up anew, it was often difficult for me to even view my peers work because then I would see the truth of how inadequate my own work was in comparison. Now I know that only antidote for this kind of thought trap is to make my work something that I CAN be proud of. But often I would hardly know where to start and fall into the despair when I would look over my portfolio and lament my clumsy mistakes and failures. My attention would only be drawn to the areas that I lacked rather than allowing myself to rejoice in the journey of learning. I was stuck. I was despairing and worse, I allowed myself to hyperfocus on discontent in my career.
So what now? Am I there yet? Yes and No. Kalai, there is no "there". There is not a utopia where I manage to be effortlessly great at all my passions without the sweat, blood, and tears of time and hard work. There is only now. Now is when I get to sleep in until 10 a.m. and spend the mornings and afternoons on my laptop; Reading, creating, and working toward my goals. Now is when I am not perfect, and my portfolio is not perfect. However, I accept myself where I am, I honor my skills by acknowledging them, and I will put away my anxiety at not being "there yet". I am choosing to be thankful rather than jealous. I am choosing to work hard on my passion projects, and not being angry with myself because my work doesn't match what a team of designers can put together in a week. I am choosing to open myself up to the critique of others because I want to get better at what I do. Finally, I choose to be more transparent with my progress and setbacks. A mentor of mine told me that writing was a great place to start when it comes to seeing my journey, documenting my research, and growing stronger. That is why I'm going to start writing in this blog. I'm going to end each post with a little bit of thankfulness. Today, I am thankful for the people in my life that lift me up and inspire me to be the best person I can be.... my husband Andrew, my parents, Gracie Mckeand, Justin Threlkeld, and Melissa Myrick.